Yes, again with the silence.
Oy.
Seriously, though, there have been some major changes in life. Back in April or May I FINALLY left that goddamned store - something I think was very definitely LONG overdue.
The story behind that is actually kind of amusing. The whole economic situation threw the chain into some turmoil - as it has with basically every sector, of course. There were some heavy changes in management and all of a sudden the pressure was on the store to axe all part time employees.
Yes. Seriously. Get rid of the people we don't have to pay additional shit for like health insurance.
O... K...
So the second-in-command of the store had a talk with me informing me that they needed me to work Wednesdays and, if I couldn't do this, my job was in jeopardy. Well I've been working at Settlement since before I took the Sam Ash gig. It's my best day there. I get paid roughly $25/hr there versus just over minimum wage at the store.
Oh. And I actually LIKE teaching! Guess what I was NOT going to kiss goodbye?
A couple days later I was at the school getting done with my teaching duties. I walked downstairs to put my roll sheet away and fill out my time card. The branch director turned to me and asked if I was still working at Sam Ash.
"It's funny you ask," I told him and then laid out the whole OMGWTFBBQ I was in.
"Ah. What would you think about working here in the reception desk?"
Needless to say I was floored. I went from insane near-melt-down stress to euphoria in such a short time... Yes, I HAD fantasized about getting fired and no I was not horrified at the reality of the situation. But to have an option like working at the school more just sort of fall into my lap?
UNBELIEVABLE.
So a couple days of serious thought pass and I gleefully gave my two weeks notice at the store. (Ironically one guy quit and I was suddenly very much NEEDED. But so goes the karma, right?)
N.E.WHO...
Life since then has been an interesting roller coaster. I'll spare the details for now and just say that, overall, I am *MUCH* happier. I'm paid less per hour but saving so much on time, travel, and sanity that I can't even begin to complain about leaving. There's some bullshit I'm getting sick of and the honeymoon has sort of worn off. But... yeah. NO SAM ASH!!!
Still, I'm actually now in a rather... interesting position. I have an opportunity to get more involved with some of the programs. Specifically songwriting.
I'm actually VERY excited at this notion. I'd love to teach theory more and I'd love to teach songwriting. But of course it does bring up that whole, "well look at the not-so-kid-friendly stuff I've written" pink elephant that's been sitting on my table.
Yeah... *cough*
So I'm at that juncture in my life where I have to evaluate that rather openly gay stuff I've written and figure out how to... address it in the context of children or non-adults. I don't want to completely back into the closet of course. But I don't think some of my lyrics would win parents over - even with the queerness aside!
At the moment I simply took the two songs in question and made them "fan-exclusive" on ReverbNation. But if you just google my name... Yeah. Open secret time!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Pi-rony
I've lost it.
No, not my mind. Though certainly that, too... But rather my old logo for Project::in•fin•i•ty - my old experimental/concept art-ish music.
See I started the project back in 1995 or so. (God, 15 years!) Naturally, it's been evolving. Or changing. I'm not sure the "progress" implications of "evolve" are being met currently... But more on *that* later.
Anywho, the logo I developed was a dorky little thing that's most appropriate for today - a π/0 enclosed in a circle. Why? Well for one "pi" just happens to be an abbreviation for "Project::in•fin•i•ty". Divided by zero? 'Cuz it results in something undefinable.
But why a circle and not an ∞? I'm not entirely sure. If I had a reasoning, I've forgotten. I think perhaps that the ∞ just seems so obligatory. A circle is often used to refer to something unending and cyclical. Plus it's just a kinda visually cool way to (contradictorily) bind up the symbolism.
There's a sad irony to this. A couple days ago I started compiling a list of all the stuff I've started producing/writing/developing in the past few months. Now I spent the better part of 2007-2009 virtually devoid of any creative products. I wrote maybe one song during that time - one for my most recent ex. (And it's a craptacular tune if you ask me...) So for me to look back and acknowledge a sudden blossoming of creative energy was REALLY revitalizing.
Of course that came to something of a screeching halt today. I just... Well, a friend had sent me a link to an iPhone orchestra. And when I finally pulled up the article this evening?
I really started questioning the quality of this creative streak I've been on.
Okay, I fully acknowledge that "quality" is a rather ambiguous subject and a rather useless yardstick when it comes to art. But... well, see music is a selfish thing. For me at least. When I create, when I play, the important person to please is *ME*.
Bottom line: if I walk away unhappy, I failed.
That doesn't mean the audience has no say in the process, of course. Indeed I'm glad when others can appreciate what I can't. It does help sometimes. And sometimes the point of a performance is not so much the piece or song as it *is* the audience's reaction - pulling that string there, pushing that button there, evoking that thought/emotion/experience here...
But if I walk away unhappy then... what have I done? For me? Nothing. And as someone who pushes himself to create the best he can? I've created and given something *I* consider sub-par to others. Again: NotGood™.
See I'm not entirely convinced the mindset of "let it be what it will be" is always appropriate. If I'm just playing for others, then what am I doing other than vomiting a mass of musical ideas at people?
"Here. Would you like some 'tasty phrases'? *RALPH* Or perhaps some 'bittersweet melody'? *HURL* Well maybe what you think I think you think you want is some 'sexy beats'. *UPCHUCK*"
Yeah. Not something *I* would appreciate.
Back to the point, though...
These videos just remind me that I'm in a constant state of dichotomy. Experimental vs pop, difficult to chew vs. easily disposable. I... I don't know. I don't have any focus.
Ultimately, while I'm rather happy with some of the stuff I have created ("Cold" and "Jesus Year" being two where I feel I pretty much nailed what I wanted to say and _how_), I don't feel like much of any of it is really propelling me in the directions I want to go. In fact, in many ways, they're the complete opposite - that cute little knick-knack store you just *have* to go back and check out even though you're DREADFULLY late for an important meeting...
Oh, I know that life is very much more about the experiences along the way as compared to the actual goal. (And, believe me, I have had some AMAZING experiences along the way) But... too often I find myself in this situation - where I realize I'm backtracking farther than I want - and that, in these times, I'm really desperately angry with myself.
See I'm frustrated that I have no direction or no focus. I'm doing too many things and yet getting nothing done. I do have a vision, things I want to do, things I horribly miss. But how to get to them? I don't know. I keep getting sidetracked.
I keep running. And running. And getting nowhere.
And all I feel like I'm really doing is running in circles.
No, not my mind. Though certainly that, too... But rather my old logo for Project::in•fin•i•ty - my old experimental/concept art-ish music.
See I started the project back in 1995 or so. (God, 15 years!) Naturally, it's been evolving. Or changing. I'm not sure the "progress" implications of "evolve" are being met currently... But more on *that* later.
Anywho, the logo I developed was a dorky little thing that's most appropriate for today - a π/0 enclosed in a circle. Why? Well for one "pi" just happens to be an abbreviation for "Project::in•fin•i•ty". Divided by zero? 'Cuz it results in something undefinable.
But why a circle and not an ∞? I'm not entirely sure. If I had a reasoning, I've forgotten. I think perhaps that the ∞ just seems so obligatory. A circle is often used to refer to something unending and cyclical. Plus it's just a kinda visually cool way to (contradictorily) bind up the symbolism.
There's a sad irony to this. A couple days ago I started compiling a list of all the stuff I've started producing/writing/developing in the past few months. Now I spent the better part of 2007-2009 virtually devoid of any creative products. I wrote maybe one song during that time - one for my most recent ex. (And it's a craptacular tune if you ask me...) So for me to look back and acknowledge a sudden blossoming of creative energy was REALLY revitalizing.
Of course that came to something of a screeching halt today. I just... Well, a friend had sent me a link to an iPhone orchestra. And when I finally pulled up the article this evening?
I really started questioning the quality of this creative streak I've been on.
Okay, I fully acknowledge that "quality" is a rather ambiguous subject and a rather useless yardstick when it comes to art. But... well, see music is a selfish thing. For me at least. When I create, when I play, the important person to please is *ME*.
Bottom line: if I walk away unhappy, I failed.
That doesn't mean the audience has no say in the process, of course. Indeed I'm glad when others can appreciate what I can't. It does help sometimes. And sometimes the point of a performance is not so much the piece or song as it *is* the audience's reaction - pulling that string there, pushing that button there, evoking that thought/emotion/experience here...
But if I walk away unhappy then... what have I done? For me? Nothing. And as someone who pushes himself to create the best he can? I've created and given something *I* consider sub-par to others. Again: NotGood™.
See I'm not entirely convinced the mindset of "let it be what it will be" is always appropriate. If I'm just playing for others, then what am I doing other than vomiting a mass of musical ideas at people?
"Here. Would you like some 'tasty phrases'? *RALPH* Or perhaps some 'bittersweet melody'? *HURL* Well maybe what you think I think you think you want is some 'sexy beats'. *UPCHUCK*"
Yeah. Not something *I* would appreciate.
Back to the point, though...
These videos just remind me that I'm in a constant state of dichotomy. Experimental vs pop, difficult to chew vs. easily disposable. I... I don't know. I don't have any focus.
Ultimately, while I'm rather happy with some of the stuff I have created ("Cold" and "Jesus Year" being two where I feel I pretty much nailed what I wanted to say and _how_), I don't feel like much of any of it is really propelling me in the directions I want to go. In fact, in many ways, they're the complete opposite - that cute little knick-knack store you just *have* to go back and check out even though you're DREADFULLY late for an important meeting...
Oh, I know that life is very much more about the experiences along the way as compared to the actual goal. (And, believe me, I have had some AMAZING experiences along the way) But... too often I find myself in this situation - where I realize I'm backtracking farther than I want - and that, in these times, I'm really desperately angry with myself.
See I'm frustrated that I have no direction or no focus. I'm doing too many things and yet getting nothing done. I do have a vision, things I want to do, things I horribly miss. But how to get to them? I don't know. I keep getting sidetracked.
I keep running. And running. And getting nowhere.
And all I feel like I'm really doing is running in circles.
Friday, March 5, 2010
And introducing Mr. McHappy Tunes!
I've been pretty heavily at work on some tunes for another Trannywood Productions film. I'm having mixed success - mostly in that my computer keeps deciding to crash at the least-convenient times. Or just generally starts fucking up - it's all about the same, really.
And then sometimes I start working on something, get in a groove, love it, and only later realize it's not really... appropriate. That's happened a couple times now.
Ah well. I have much coming soon!
The fun part today was getting a call from June. She needed to get together with someone and jam. I know that feeling. So I obliged and had her come over.
We had the usual sort of, "well, what should we do?" sorta ... collapse in. LOL. (I've really been so mono-focused on the TwP stuff!) I played her some of the stuff in progress and putzed around a bit.
Eventually I came up with a riff and, after a moment, we went with it. It's nothing horribly fancy - Bm, F#m, A, E. Etc. But, as I can often do, within the span of roughly 15 minutes I had the outline for a song.
Well, all except the lyrics of course. LOL.
Over the course of the couple hours we shaped it up. After the verse, the chorus came pretty quickly. I dithered about for a while on a "bridge" section before finally deciding on a ... well, I guess "chunky" quarter-note heavy 4/4 or half-time-ish pump thing.
You've heard the idea before. I know you have.
After that comes the typical drop down to soft before the build to the last chorus... Yes, it's formulaic. And YES, I LOVE IT.
When we got done she asked me to put together a demo of it. So after she took me out for dinner I decided to whip up something quick-ish.
It's not often I write something kinda upbeat. (And yes, I was the primary songwriter this time.) I think having her here to sound a lot of ideas off of helped. There's something about having that energy to play with puts you in such a different head space.
In the hour or so I threw it together I'm actually fairly happy. It's probably a little more radio-friendly than a majority of my stuff. And again it's a bit derivative.
Still, I'm having fun!
But yeah, I'm trying to figure out where this one is going, too. The phrase, "hot mess" is stuck in my head. And, believe it or not, I kinda think it's gonna be a little bit of a feel-good-ish tune.
I just kinda wanna celebrate all the "freaks", "crazies", and eccentrics - the people who can go outside many social conventions, wearing their catsuits and costumes to Walmart, etc - who make this world a lot more interesting of a place. Those who can throw judgment out the window and walk the street unafraid. Those who can remind us (if we let them) that we need to get over ourselves and *be* ourselves.
Yeah, I know it's been done before. So what? I'm writing a non-morose tune! Why it's even a little ... dare I say it? DANCEABLE! *GASP*
And then sometimes I start working on something, get in a groove, love it, and only later realize it's not really... appropriate. That's happened a couple times now.
Ah well. I have much coming soon!
The fun part today was getting a call from June. She needed to get together with someone and jam. I know that feeling. So I obliged and had her come over.
We had the usual sort of, "well, what should we do?" sorta ... collapse in. LOL. (I've really been so mono-focused on the TwP stuff!) I played her some of the stuff in progress and putzed around a bit.
Eventually I came up with a riff and, after a moment, we went with it. It's nothing horribly fancy - Bm, F#m, A, E. Etc. But, as I can often do, within the span of roughly 15 minutes I had the outline for a song.
Well, all except the lyrics of course. LOL.
Over the course of the couple hours we shaped it up. After the verse, the chorus came pretty quickly. I dithered about for a while on a "bridge" section before finally deciding on a ... well, I guess "chunky" quarter-note heavy 4/4 or half-time-ish pump thing.
You've heard the idea before. I know you have.
After that comes the typical drop down to soft before the build to the last chorus... Yes, it's formulaic. And YES, I LOVE IT.
When we got done she asked me to put together a demo of it. So after she took me out for dinner I decided to whip up something quick-ish.
It's not often I write something kinda upbeat. (And yes, I was the primary songwriter this time.) I think having her here to sound a lot of ideas off of helped. There's something about having that energy to play with puts you in such a different head space.
In the hour or so I threw it together I'm actually fairly happy. It's probably a little more radio-friendly than a majority of my stuff. And again it's a bit derivative.
Still, I'm having fun!
But yeah, I'm trying to figure out where this one is going, too. The phrase, "hot mess" is stuck in my head. And, believe it or not, I kinda think it's gonna be a little bit of a feel-good-ish tune.
I just kinda wanna celebrate all the "freaks", "crazies", and eccentrics - the people who can go outside many social conventions, wearing their catsuits and costumes to Walmart, etc - who make this world a lot more interesting of a place. Those who can throw judgment out the window and walk the street unafraid. Those who can remind us (if we let them) that we need to get over ourselves and *be* ourselves.
Yeah, I know it's been done before. So what? I'm writing a non-morose tune! Why it's even a little ... dare I say it? DANCEABLE! *GASP*
Thursday, February 11, 2010
The Dizziness of Enforced Solitude
A couple nights ago I randomly thought of an old NYC-era tune of mine that I honestly haven't thought of since. It just kinda sprang back into my mind from nowhere and for no particular reason that I can determine. Sort of analogous to that unexpected visit by an old high school friend, I suppose.
"Hey! Long time no see. Was in the area, thought I'd see if you were still around!"
Bwah?
Progress on this particular song has been minimal at best. However it *did* inspire me to start looking back at older projects. In particular I've been sorting through the stuff - samples, ideas, crazy sounds, etc - that I've storing on this computer since mid 2006.
There's a bunch of stuff on here that I... I can see myself doing some really wacky and awesome things with. Sampling the dishwasher, bowing and striking the disk platter, recording traffic sounds, sampling this and that, digitally messing with said sounds... (Sadly I still have to retrieve some of the sampling I had archived from before my Mac died.)
I just have to figure out _how_. *sighs* I really need to sit down and tackle more of that.
But that brings me to an... interesting juncture in my career right now. I've really been trying to focus on the singer-songwriter stuff and neglecting my more experimental-ish side. I've been drowning myself in my pop-centric tunes in the goal of getting out and playing more.
It's... I want to say it's a necessary evil. But I can't convince myself of that. Part of me is asking myself, "was that the shark we just jumped?" I don't consider most of my stuff _pure_ pop - there's a lot of stuff I throw in that kinda moves it a bit away.
However there is *still* that nagging voice. I mean the pop is a LOT easier to write. I don't have to think anywhere near as much. I don't have to second-guess myself as often...
But... yeah.
I'm still at a loss for lyrics, though. I find the more I work with words, the more I hate them. Or rather I hate my inability to really pull some awesome shit outta them. :/
I've got a good half-dozen songs on the burners right now - all with incomplete lyrics. Phrases, verses, choruses, a bridge here, a prechorus there... I'm beating my head against walls to flesh them out further. And all I'm getting is bloody plaster.
At least both "Cold" and "(I've got a boy) Stuck In My Head" are relatively complete. The latter just needs some more work on the arrangement. The drums are still missing elements and the verses need some more padding/layers. "Don't You See" is also pretty far along. Again, lyrics are missing, I need some more instrumentation, and the drums/percussion need attending to.
Still, that's three songs/demos moderately far along. Yay!
I also got inspired and picked up an older song. Someone forwarded me an article about John Mayer trying to apologize for using the "n" word. The irony? That, upon reading it, that's probably the least of the WTF-isms. I mean, "my dick is a white supremacist"?!?!?
WHAT?!?!?
Well, let's hop, skip, and a jump back a few years. I think it was 2006 - *maybe* 2007. His song, "Waiting On the World to Change" was... somewhere on the charts. I don't remember where. He really wasn't anywhere on my list of things to listen to.
But then, in a fit of fury, a friend pointed out the song to me - focusing on the lyric content. "It's hard to beat the system/When we're standing at a distance/So we keep waiting/Waiting on the world to change" And of course I immediately shared his anger.
As someone in a marginalized community, this really affronted my sense of decency. As someone who faces daily a dozen battles - both internal and external - just for being on this side of a political hotbed, it appalls my sense of responsibility. It reeks of apathy, laziness, and selfishness at best - white privilege and a slushy slew of -isms at worst.
Almost immediately a counter-song started forming in my mind. "Would YOU just be 'waiting' if you actually had to face some of this shit?" is what I want to scream in his face. "Would you just sit around and hope that life somehow got better for you?"
I'd actually just started toying around with the whole DADGAE[*] tuning then, too. Took one little riff that I'd conjured up already and *whisk* I was off. At least for a little bit. Once again the lyrical barrier sorta sprung up and, while I've never completely put it down, I just... yeah. Have a bit to go.
Somewhat recently a few more lyrics had come to mind. A chorus, "I'm glad that your load is light/So you can bask in your privileged life", has existed for a few months. Tonight I cobbled together a second verse and something of a bridge.
So I sat down and recorded what I have. I need to fix some spots. It's ending much too cynically - something which is contrary to the whole point. It's not that we can't fix life; it's that life ain't gonna just fix itself. Plus the bridge is a tad too jarring right now. (I think I just need to calm down a bit on the emoting!)
"Hey! Long time no see. Was in the area, thought I'd see if you were still around!"
Bwah?
Progress on this particular song has been minimal at best. However it *did* inspire me to start looking back at older projects. In particular I've been sorting through the stuff - samples, ideas, crazy sounds, etc - that I've storing on this computer since mid 2006.
There's a bunch of stuff on here that I... I can see myself doing some really wacky and awesome things with. Sampling the dishwasher, bowing and striking the disk platter, recording traffic sounds, sampling this and that, digitally messing with said sounds... (Sadly I still have to retrieve some of the sampling I had archived from before my Mac died.)
I just have to figure out _how_. *sighs* I really need to sit down and tackle more of that.
But that brings me to an... interesting juncture in my career right now. I've really been trying to focus on the singer-songwriter stuff and neglecting my more experimental-ish side. I've been drowning myself in my pop-centric tunes in the goal of getting out and playing more.
It's... I want to say it's a necessary evil. But I can't convince myself of that. Part of me is asking myself, "was that the shark we just jumped?" I don't consider most of my stuff _pure_ pop - there's a lot of stuff I throw in that kinda moves it a bit away.
However there is *still* that nagging voice. I mean the pop is a LOT easier to write. I don't have to think anywhere near as much. I don't have to second-guess myself as often...
But... yeah.
I'm still at a loss for lyrics, though. I find the more I work with words, the more I hate them. Or rather I hate my inability to really pull some awesome shit outta them. :/
I've got a good half-dozen songs on the burners right now - all with incomplete lyrics. Phrases, verses, choruses, a bridge here, a prechorus there... I'm beating my head against walls to flesh them out further. And all I'm getting is bloody plaster.
At least both "Cold" and "(I've got a boy) Stuck In My Head" are relatively complete. The latter just needs some more work on the arrangement. The drums are still missing elements and the verses need some more padding/layers. "Don't You See" is also pretty far along. Again, lyrics are missing, I need some more instrumentation, and the drums/percussion need attending to.
Still, that's three songs/demos moderately far along. Yay!
I also got inspired and picked up an older song. Someone forwarded me an article about John Mayer trying to apologize for using the "n" word. The irony? That, upon reading it, that's probably the least of the WTF-isms. I mean, "my dick is a white supremacist"?!?!?
WHAT?!?!?
Well, let's hop, skip, and a jump back a few years. I think it was 2006 - *maybe* 2007. His song, "Waiting On the World to Change" was... somewhere on the charts. I don't remember where. He really wasn't anywhere on my list of things to listen to.
But then, in a fit of fury, a friend pointed out the song to me - focusing on the lyric content. "It's hard to beat the system/When we're standing at a distance/So we keep waiting/Waiting on the world to change" And of course I immediately shared his anger.
As someone in a marginalized community, this really affronted my sense of decency. As someone who faces daily a dozen battles - both internal and external - just for being on this side of a political hotbed, it appalls my sense of responsibility. It reeks of apathy, laziness, and selfishness at best - white privilege and a slushy slew of -isms at worst.
Almost immediately a counter-song started forming in my mind. "Would YOU just be 'waiting' if you actually had to face some of this shit?" is what I want to scream in his face. "Would you just sit around and hope that life somehow got better for you?"
I'd actually just started toying around with the whole DADGAE[*] tuning then, too. Took one little riff that I'd conjured up already and *whisk* I was off. At least for a little bit. Once again the lyrical barrier sorta sprung up and, while I've never completely put it down, I just... yeah. Have a bit to go.
Somewhat recently a few more lyrics had come to mind. A chorus, "I'm glad that your load is light/So you can bask in your privileged life", has existed for a few months. Tonight I cobbled together a second verse and something of a bridge.
So I sat down and recorded what I have. I need to fix some spots. It's ending much too cynically - something which is contrary to the whole point. It's not that we can't fix life; it's that life ain't gonna just fix itself. Plus the bridge is a tad too jarring right now. (I think I just need to calm down a bit on the emoting!)
- It's You (2010/02/11)
- Don't You See? (2010/02/10)
- (I've got a boy) Stuck In My Head
- Cold
- Evening Gown
- I hereby declare I will pronounce this DAD-GAY. *nod*
Friday, February 5, 2010
Jammin, 2
In what's likely to become something of a reoccurring phenomenon, June and I returned to the Whitpain Tavern tonight for their open mic. This time, however, we arrived sufficiently early - before it even started, actually - and acquired ourselves an actual slot.
w00t!
We dithered about what to actually play this time. Neither of us seemed to have realized we'd actually have to *think* about what to play. And, in the end, we kinda cobbled together a couple songs. I'd do "Road" (a bootLICKERS tune I do a fair amount) and my own song, "So Glad..." while June opted for a couple blues jams.
Oh, both of us are quite experienced onstage now. Neither of us got in front of the mic with any timidity or hesitation. So, from that perspective, it was all good.
Musical performance? Well, that was a slightly different barrel.
We grabbed a couple of the other regulars to join in - a bassist and another guitarist. We know them. They know us. We all know that none of us are newbs.
But... well, "Road" isn't exactly the most straightforward song. It's not crazy, but there's a couple oddball chord changes. And I didn't *quite* warn the bassist enough. Luckily he's the sort who just kinda shrugs and barrels on through with a smile.
It's all good. We're all just having fun, after all.
But of course my own tunes are even a bit more oddball. I intentionally write non-standard structures - skipping sections, tossing in a few unexpected chord changes. I don't write the typical verse/chorus/verse/chorus/bridge/chorus sorts of things. Granted I do have my own formula (and can get a bit too entrenched in it) but it's... well it's just not always the easiest to explain before-hand within the span of a minute.
Especially when the lyrics come a thousand words a minute.
I ran over a couple of the chord changes with him a bit more this time. It's fairly easy chord wise. But then the guitarist jumped in and it sorta... just kinda... took off. LOL
Oh, it was a bit of a trainwreck. I skipped sections left and right, dropped out a whole verse and the break... The biggest problem is that we just couldn't hear each other well enough and I couldn't get enough eye contact from the other guys to properly cue somethings.
*shrugs* But I had fun!
Furthermore it was just another sort of step for me - an evolution of (small) sorts. I was up there just kinda letting go and letting one of my babies just sorta... happen. Oh, I was doing my best to keep on top of things. And I think I did _ok_. But...
*shrugs* It was fun. And I wasn't freaking out. At least not much. I was definitely on my toes. Otherwise, however, I'd already settled comfortably into the mindset of, "it will be what it will be."
Oh, I admit it. I've totally been tempted to chart up my tunes on the chance I'd wind up in this situation. I haven't yet, of course. But I may just do that.
For now? I'm just happy to have done this and pushed myself a bit further forward. YAY!
w00t!
We dithered about what to actually play this time. Neither of us seemed to have realized we'd actually have to *think* about what to play. And, in the end, we kinda cobbled together a couple songs. I'd do "Road" (a bootLICKERS tune I do a fair amount) and my own song, "So Glad..." while June opted for a couple blues jams.
Oh, both of us are quite experienced onstage now. Neither of us got in front of the mic with any timidity or hesitation. So, from that perspective, it was all good.
Musical performance? Well, that was a slightly different barrel.
We grabbed a couple of the other regulars to join in - a bassist and another guitarist. We know them. They know us. We all know that none of us are newbs.
But... well, "Road" isn't exactly the most straightforward song. It's not crazy, but there's a couple oddball chord changes. And I didn't *quite* warn the bassist enough. Luckily he's the sort who just kinda shrugs and barrels on through with a smile.
It's all good. We're all just having fun, after all.
But of course my own tunes are even a bit more oddball. I intentionally write non-standard structures - skipping sections, tossing in a few unexpected chord changes. I don't write the typical verse/chorus/verse/chorus/bridge/chorus sorts of things. Granted I do have my own formula (and can get a bit too entrenched in it) but it's... well it's just not always the easiest to explain before-hand within the span of a minute.
Especially when the lyrics come a thousand words a minute.
I ran over a couple of the chord changes with him a bit more this time. It's fairly easy chord wise. But then the guitarist jumped in and it sorta... just kinda... took off. LOL
Oh, it was a bit of a trainwreck. I skipped sections left and right, dropped out a whole verse and the break... The biggest problem is that we just couldn't hear each other well enough and I couldn't get enough eye contact from the other guys to properly cue somethings.
*shrugs* But I had fun!
Furthermore it was just another sort of step for me - an evolution of (small) sorts. I was up there just kinda letting go and letting one of my babies just sorta... happen. Oh, I was doing my best to keep on top of things. And I think I did _ok_. But...
*shrugs* It was fun. And I wasn't freaking out. At least not much. I was definitely on my toes. Otherwise, however, I'd already settled comfortably into the mindset of, "it will be what it will be."
Oh, I admit it. I've totally been tempted to chart up my tunes on the chance I'd wind up in this situation. I haven't yet, of course. But I may just do that.
For now? I'm just happy to have done this and pushed myself a bit further forward. YAY!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
"Why I shouldn't date" bullet point entry #453,652,335.85
As I mentioned (somewhat) recently, I'm a rather visual person. A lot of my thoughts, lyrics, and songs have a visual element that either inspires them or imbue them.
This time is no exception.
A certain young man kinda entered my life a bit ago. Oh, it's all completely tangential at best. He lives over there, I live here. We've never met in person. We do naught but trade a few comments or such here and there. I'm not going to pretend there's something going on that's clearly not.
But still... A> he's adorable and, B> he's good at taking these pictures that just... OMG. There's something about them - the smiles and looks he captures, sometimes the post-processing... Just make me wanna wrap him in my arms and do naughty nice things.
And, being the irreverent dreamer that I am, I could all easily create this version of him in my head with a personality and being that *I* like and thus fall in love with this concoction that exists solely in my head...
Yeah. See, I actually do that with guys I meet and date anyways.
No, I shouldn't date. :D
But anywho... This time it just sorta sparked off a couple lyrics that, coupled with this tuning I've been using, have sorta spiraled off yet another song. Lyrically I really wanted to be _explicitly_ gay. And both tender/romantic and yet *quite* suggestive.
So far I'm pretty happy with it. Though I'm not quite convinced of the final lyrics. It does almost get a little bad-romance-book-ish. Hrmmm. I also *may* add a tin whistle melody in there as it does border a bit on the too-repetitive side.
This time is no exception.
A certain young man kinda entered my life a bit ago. Oh, it's all completely tangential at best. He lives over there, I live here. We've never met in person. We do naught but trade a few comments or such here and there. I'm not going to pretend there's something going on that's clearly not.
But still... A> he's adorable and, B> he's good at taking these pictures that just... OMG. There's something about them - the smiles and looks he captures, sometimes the post-processing... Just make me wanna wrap him in my arms and do naughty nice things.
And, being the irreverent dreamer that I am, I could all easily create this version of him in my head with a personality and being that *I* like and thus fall in love with this concoction that exists solely in my head...
Yeah. See, I actually do that with guys I meet and date anyways.
No, I shouldn't date. :D
But anywho... This time it just sorta sparked off a couple lyrics that, coupled with this tuning I've been using, have sorta spiraled off yet another song. Lyrically I really wanted to be _explicitly_ gay. And both tender/romantic and yet *quite* suggestive.
So far I'm pretty happy with it. Though I'm not quite convinced of the final lyrics. It does almost get a little bad-romance-book-ish. Hrmmm. I also *may* add a tin whistle melody in there as it does border a bit on the too-repetitive side.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Jamming again
After some dithering, June and I decided to head up to the Whitpain Tavern in Plymouth Meeting, PA for their weekly open mic/jam session. It's often quite fun as usally everyone just sorta piles together in random ways and configurations. As, as it usually happens, we got there *late* and thus only got the last two spots.
This time, of course, I decided to do some solo/front stuff. It's not the best venue for most of my stuff - a bar with a bunch of rowdy-ish musicians. I think many of them would appreciate the writing. But... not the best energy. My songs tend to run just a *bit* too melancholy.
I did some quick calculations and decided to try "Better This Way?", "Dreams" (by Fleetwood Mac), and "Moondance" (by Van Morrison). Well, the last one got dropped off the list as one of the (many) groups ahead of us pulled that tune out. Ah well.
Started off with "Better This Way?" and felt pretty decent about it. Took it a tad too fast though. On the cool-ish side, a percussionist jumped in on it. I really like having percussion on it. But they were bongos and not congos. The higher pitch didn't quite fit in my brain right.
"Dreams"? Was more of a nightmare. I asked a couple guys to hop on and jam with me on it. However, not only did I forget a bunch of lyrics, I do it differently than the original. And there was a bit of a clash. LOL.
Still I'm happy to say I weathered it well. I didn't succumb to my prior bouts of immediate self-loathing. Just took it all in stride as a, "well, this is... interesting!"
And again I got a couple compliments on "Better This Way?"! From a guitarist! Yay!!
Next time I think I will try some other tunes. Perhaps "So Glad..." or "Jesus Year". If I can make the slow songs _groove_ enough, they'll fly. And "Jesus Year" has a certain blues edge to it that I think could go well. Even if it is a slit-your-wrist-er. *heh*
This time, of course, I decided to do some solo/front stuff. It's not the best venue for most of my stuff - a bar with a bunch of rowdy-ish musicians. I think many of them would appreciate the writing. But... not the best energy. My songs tend to run just a *bit* too melancholy.
I did some quick calculations and decided to try "Better This Way?", "Dreams" (by Fleetwood Mac), and "Moondance" (by Van Morrison). Well, the last one got dropped off the list as one of the (many) groups ahead of us pulled that tune out. Ah well.
Started off with "Better This Way?" and felt pretty decent about it. Took it a tad too fast though. On the cool-ish side, a percussionist jumped in on it. I really like having percussion on it. But they were bongos and not congos. The higher pitch didn't quite fit in my brain right.
"Dreams"? Was more of a nightmare. I asked a couple guys to hop on and jam with me on it. However, not only did I forget a bunch of lyrics, I do it differently than the original. And there was a bit of a clash. LOL.
Still I'm happy to say I weathered it well. I didn't succumb to my prior bouts of immediate self-loathing. Just took it all in stride as a, "well, this is... interesting!"
And again I got a couple compliments on "Better This Way?"! From a guitarist! Yay!!
Next time I think I will try some other tunes. Perhaps "So Glad..." or "Jesus Year". If I can make the slow songs _groove_ enough, they'll fly. And "Jesus Year" has a certain blues edge to it that I think could go well. Even if it is a slit-your-wrist-er. *heh*
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Flow, river. Flow...
I'm starting to find a new workflow on this machine. It's *NOT* ideal. But... it works.
And I'm at the point where that's good enough. For now.
I had intended to sit down and get some ideas down for a tune I started writing last night. (and by 'last night' I do mean Friday night now. EEEK!) However, as creativity sometimes goes, I started writing something almost *completely* different. I just got this riff in my fingers and was like, "MUST. DO. SOMETHING."
That was at about 4 or 5pm today... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I'm grooving on it. I'm flowing with it. It's not caught me like 'trains' did. But... that's okay. I keep wanting to experience that tsunami of creativity that hit me those four days - when 'trains' went from a mere thought to a completed 'demo'.
Nothing is ever the same.
There's technical issues. I *may* clean up some of the sloppy guitar work. I may not. I may re-record some of the parts. I may not. I don't know these days. I may just nudge them into something a little less displeasing to my ear.
I only have so much of my perfectionism I can allow to run amok.
The funny thing is that I'm just kinda... letting it go. The riff I started off with is the primary "verse" riff - that really bluesy thing. After that I think I came up with the chorus next and then the sorta prechorus. I still want to develop that bridge...
But yeah, it's not in the sonic world I started thinking of initially. But... well frankly I just don't care too much. It will be what it will be.
And I know it will be an angry tune. LOL. Expect some rather... graphic metaphors.
And I'm at the point where that's good enough. For now.
I had intended to sit down and get some ideas down for a tune I started writing last night. (and by 'last night' I do mean Friday night now. EEEK!) However, as creativity sometimes goes, I started writing something almost *completely* different. I just got this riff in my fingers and was like, "MUST. DO. SOMETHING."
That was at about 4 or 5pm today... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I'm grooving on it. I'm flowing with it. It's not caught me like 'trains' did. But... that's okay. I keep wanting to experience that tsunami of creativity that hit me those four days - when 'trains' went from a mere thought to a completed 'demo'.
Nothing is ever the same.
There's technical issues. I *may* clean up some of the sloppy guitar work. I may not. I may re-record some of the parts. I may not. I don't know these days. I may just nudge them into something a little less displeasing to my ear.
I only have so much of my perfectionism I can allow to run amok.
The funny thing is that I'm just kinda... letting it go. The riff I started off with is the primary "verse" riff - that really bluesy thing. After that I think I came up with the chorus next and then the sorta prechorus. I still want to develop that bridge...
But yeah, it's not in the sonic world I started thinking of initially. But... well frankly I just don't care too much. It will be what it will be.
And I know it will be an angry tune. LOL. Expect some rather... graphic metaphors.
P.S. I'm still in the DADGAE tuning!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Writing from this side of the line...
I seem to have a fascination with writing from... either the 'wrong' side of the line ("Far", "Don't") or the grey side of the line ("Better This Way?", "Can You?"). Rarely do I seem to write anything from the sunny side of the guilt/blame fence - where I'm clearly the "good guy".
I guess you could blame it on my growing up in the late 80's and early 90's. There's a sort of enjoyment I get from mining my questionable self-esteem. There's more interest in exploring the darker side of the psyche - especially if I *can* craft it into something that arouses sympathy or empathy - rather than dancing in "sunshine and flowers".
This time around is no exception.
I started writing this a few weeks ago. I don't remember the exact impetus other than just playing around with me DADGAE tuning. But then the first few lines came to me and I started envisioning something about dating someone with commitment issues. (Like me, perhaps? *HAH*) Then a real-life encounter took over and it turned into something... a little darker.
Regardless here I am singing from a vantage where... there's not really anyone on the "right" side.
And I like that.
I guess you could blame it on my growing up in the late 80's and early 90's. There's a sort of enjoyment I get from mining my questionable self-esteem. There's more interest in exploring the darker side of the psyche - especially if I *can* craft it into something that arouses sympathy or empathy - rather than dancing in "sunshine and flowers".
This time around is no exception.
I started writing this a few weeks ago. I don't remember the exact impetus other than just playing around with me DADGAE tuning. But then the first few lines came to me and I started envisioning something about dating someone with commitment issues. (Like me, perhaps? *HAH*) Then a real-life encounter took over and it turned into something... a little darker.
Regardless here I am singing from a vantage where... there's not really anyone on the "right" side.
And I like that.
Evening Gown
one shoe off and one shoe on
and you can't decide which foot is wrong
one shoe on and one shoe off
and you know: one step and you are lost
so please tell me just what you want me to see
and please show me what you would like to believe
one foot in and one foot out
and you like to stir these water about
one foot out and one foot in
and again we watch the games begin
so please tell me just where you want me to go
and please show me what you don't want me to know
'cuz you could lead me on
if I just play along
so spin me round
and take me down
I'll play your evening gown...
dot your i's and cross your t's
but you can't decide which demons to appease
cross your eyes and laugh at me
but inside you drop down to your knees
and you would lead me on
and I'd just play along
'cuz sometimes touch
is just enough
to take the place of love
so go and lead me on
and I'll just play along
these roads are kept
the dust well swept
I know this tune
so when you're through
we'll see who laughs
and who is last
and when you're looking back...
one shoe off and one shoe on
and you ask just where your bed has gone
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Steps...
Got home a few minutes ago from my first _solo_ gig post Rochester. It's... it's an interesting feeling. Overall I'm satisfied-ish with my performance. Given what's happened in the past, that's actually a good thing.
My voice wasn't *quite* where I wanted it to be. The last few numbers felt rough vocally - I'd over sung myself and my voice just ended. The first couple felt rough confidence-wise. The voice would have been okay (I think) but I just hadn't found my head/music space yet.
I think part of that was just being in a different environment than I'm used to. It was very much a house concert - someone's living room, no sound system, no phallic microphone in front of me... I really had to *think* about how I was performing. If I wasn't singing loud enough or if I was playing guitar too loudly there was no recourse - no one to boost a level.
It was what it was. It was how I did. No aid. No crutches.
That's not a bad thing, of course. For one I really like the environment it put me in. Lord only knows most of my material is on the more melancholy side. And I felt a little more at ease to perform the less-than-perky-and-upbeat stuff. Or rather a little less stress to do that perky-and-upbeat stuff.
Yay!
Interestingly it seems that "Better This Way?" is really becoming one of my 'signature' tunes. I'm just really finding it emotionally and thus vocally. I really _get_ it every time. I don't know why this strikes me as odd, but it does. I really didn't put a whole lot of emotional effort into writing it. It just sorta happened. In fact I sorta tried to keep it more bland in a manner.
"Jesus Year" also felt pretty good except that, at the end, my voice was definitely starting to lose it. I would have stopped there but it's such a downer of a tune that I didn't really want to leave on that note.
My one kinda frustration is that I had started to put together this whole line in my head of what to do and how to link it all narratively. But then I abandoned that - in part because I just simply forgot.
Oh, it's not entirely bad. You can't always just make a set-list and then stick to it - especially not when it's a new forum for you. But, at the same time, I like having a thread that ties it all together. I don't think the thread I improvised was _bad_, just not as satisfying as what I'd pre-thought.
Ah well. I got several compliments. And, if nothing else, I feel decent about it. I wish I could feel like I totally rocked the house down to its knees but... I guess first steps first.
Right?
Set list - as much as I remember it
My voice wasn't *quite* where I wanted it to be. The last few numbers felt rough vocally - I'd over sung myself and my voice just ended. The first couple felt rough confidence-wise. The voice would have been okay (I think) but I just hadn't found my head/music space yet.
I think part of that was just being in a different environment than I'm used to. It was very much a house concert - someone's living room, no sound system, no phallic microphone in front of me... I really had to *think* about how I was performing. If I wasn't singing loud enough or if I was playing guitar too loudly there was no recourse - no one to boost a level.
It was what it was. It was how I did. No aid. No crutches.
That's not a bad thing, of course. For one I really like the environment it put me in. Lord only knows most of my material is on the more melancholy side. And I felt a little more at ease to perform the less-than-perky-and-upbeat stuff. Or rather a little less stress to do that perky-and-upbeat stuff.
Yay!
Interestingly it seems that "Better This Way?" is really becoming one of my 'signature' tunes. I'm just really finding it emotionally and thus vocally. I really _get_ it every time. I don't know why this strikes me as odd, but it does. I really didn't put a whole lot of emotional effort into writing it. It just sorta happened. In fact I sorta tried to keep it more bland in a manner.
"Jesus Year" also felt pretty good except that, at the end, my voice was definitely starting to lose it. I would have stopped there but it's such a downer of a tune that I didn't really want to leave on that note.
My one kinda frustration is that I had started to put together this whole line in my head of what to do and how to link it all narratively. But then I abandoned that - in part because I just simply forgot.
Oh, it's not entirely bad. You can't always just make a set-list and then stick to it - especially not when it's a new forum for you. But, at the same time, I like having a thread that ties it all together. I don't think the thread I improvised was _bad_, just not as satisfying as what I'd pre-thought.
Ah well. I got several compliments. And, if nothing else, I feel decent about it. I wish I could feel like I totally rocked the house down to its knees but... I guess first steps first.
Right?
Set list - as much as I remember it
- I Want Someone (Dave Montana)
- Road (the bootLICKERS)
- Better This Way?
- Can You?
- So Glad...
- Jesus Year
- Mello Hell
- Half Moon Bay
Friday, December 18, 2009
Back at it...
More later. My process has changed drastically over the years - for both good and bad. But, like I said, more later.
For now it's interesting to note that I'm still on my PC. So far it's been acting... decently. Few of the problems that plagued me before - especially right before I revived my Mac.
Still... I'm... gun shy. I do NOT trust this beast. I keep expecting horrible things to happen. I... yeah, I'm not comfortable.
Hopefully soon...
For now it's interesting to note that I'm still on my PC. So far it's been acting... decently. Few of the problems that plagued me before - especially right before I revived my Mac.
Still... I'm... gun shy. I do NOT trust this beast. I keep expecting horrible things to happen. I... yeah, I'm not comfortable.
Hopefully soon...
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Modus Operandi
I'm a visual person. I know this. Were I to start life over and be forced to follow some path other than music, I'm pretty sure I'd choose photography. Imagery resonates in 85% of my lyrics. Metaphors, similes, personifications - that's the poetry of which most of my words flow.
I say this because I'm at an interesting juncture in my life. I'm in a state of mind where my thoughts are less visual and *MUCH* more... I don't know. Not visceral - just not pictorial.
The politics of the world continue to aggravate me. The fact that people are dying in Iraq for example - the haunted faces of people I see in the news - just wounds me. That someone could be _legally_ killed because they're gay and HIV+ incites a rage that I don't know how to contain.
I need to unleash in the WORST way. The blood of my soul needs to be spilled upon the fabric of my melodies. But the words falter die on the page. Their sarcophagus litter my notebooks like a madman's scribbles - bursts from nowhere vomited upon a taupe page, leading nowhere.
I'm not a word-smith and I know this. "So Glad..." and a couple other tunes stand out in my memory as times when I managed to overcome this deficiency. It frustrates me in ways I can't begin to explain - a need to vent in a manner I am not capable.
IT. HURTS.
And yet a mere smile caught in a photograph can still melt my heart a bit. The fuzzy light and indescribable warmth I feel when a person is caught just so. The shyness, the simplicity, the vulnerability... I just fall apart and start brewing emotions inside my mind.
I've got quite a few songs started now - many started just recently. I wonder how many of them I will finish composing. Seems like there's always more tunes being written than *get* written.
But... still. Those things I need to say... Those things I need to ferment into songs... I hope they happen soon. I hope I find the manner by which to facilitate their birth.
And then hope they get received...
"Tears of twilight fading into view
Each one a reason that I am here with you."
--Half Moon Bay, 1993
Each one a reason that I am here with you."
--Half Moon Bay, 1993
I say this because I'm at an interesting juncture in my life. I'm in a state of mind where my thoughts are less visual and *MUCH* more... I don't know. Not visceral - just not pictorial.
The politics of the world continue to aggravate me. The fact that people are dying in Iraq for example - the haunted faces of people I see in the news - just wounds me. That someone could be _legally_ killed because they're gay and HIV+ incites a rage that I don't know how to contain.
I need to unleash in the WORST way. The blood of my soul needs to be spilled upon the fabric of my melodies. But the words falter die on the page. Their sarcophagus litter my notebooks like a madman's scribbles - bursts from nowhere vomited upon a taupe page, leading nowhere.
I'm not a word-smith and I know this. "So Glad..." and a couple other tunes stand out in my memory as times when I managed to overcome this deficiency. It frustrates me in ways I can't begin to explain - a need to vent in a manner I am not capable.
IT. HURTS.
And yet a mere smile caught in a photograph can still melt my heart a bit. The fuzzy light and indescribable warmth I feel when a person is caught just so. The shyness, the simplicity, the vulnerability... I just fall apart and start brewing emotions inside my mind.
I've got quite a few songs started now - many started just recently. I wonder how many of them I will finish composing. Seems like there's always more tunes being written than *get* written.
But... still. Those things I need to say... Those things I need to ferment into songs... I hope they happen soon. I hope I find the manner by which to facilitate their birth.
And then hope they get received...
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
And now back to our regularly scheduled program... kinda.
Something is changing - something inside my head and soul. It's intriguing to sit here and watch it either incapable of stopping it or just indifferent to stopping it. Certainly I think I've fueled it.
I'm beginning to evolve.
It's a strange sensation, really. There's an odd disconnect that I can't begin to describe. Chrysalis, perhaps. My world is becoming more about me; centered around myself. The North on my compass: what *I* want, what *I* need, what *I* should do for _my_ musical career...
It's uncomfortable at times. As my world adjusts to it's new... polarity I look at whom I've been and what I've generally held to be important. Then I'm presented with the current of what I feel passionately about, what I'm concerned about, and what just doesn't affect me. Is this right? Is this really the best thing to be happening?
I don't know.
It started a while ago: this building desire to take my own place in the spotlight. Certainly I've been using the open mics in both NYC and Philly to work on my presence, my timing, my panache. Then Rochester was a sort of testing ground.
But Bearapalooza NYC was definitely the turning point for me.
I didn't really feel good about my performance at the time. (Though it doesn't come across as badly as I thought it did.) But I did feel solid about being onstage and performing. I wasn't in the ideal head but I didn't lose it either. In fact I think I did a damned lot better on my original rather than the cover.
I really want to get out and get my career[1] going. It's long past time I shove myself up to the plate and start swinging the damned bat.[2] Further more I'm going to. Otherwise the rest of the career is just going to flounder.
I'll strike out a couple times, I know this.[3] But I'll live. I've got one gig mostly on the books. (Just waiting for final confirmations of things.) Then I gotta figure out the steps after that.
*sighs* Sadly there is a kinda irony. At the concurrent time I'm not really exactly sure where I'm going musically. Maybe even less than before. I want to do the pop, I want to do the (contemporary) classical, I want to do the electronic, I want to do the experimental...
Perhaps it's the same boat.
On the other hand I feel like some of my voice is beginning to develop and take on it's own-ness. Or maybe I'm just finally accepting it. Lord only knows I write a lot of slower, melancholy stuff. Sometimes I wonder how or _where_ to perform it. Not exactly the best bar music...
Still I want to get out there. I NEED to get out there. I want to explore the country, the world and make music. I want to leave my infinitesimal footprint on the bathroom stall of the universe.
I'm both excited and terrified about making my _own_ mistakes.
Finally.
I'm beginning to evolve.
It's a strange sensation, really. There's an odd disconnect that I can't begin to describe. Chrysalis, perhaps. My world is becoming more about me; centered around myself. The North on my compass: what *I* want, what *I* need, what *I* should do for _my_ musical career...
It's uncomfortable at times. As my world adjusts to it's new... polarity I look at whom I've been and what I've generally held to be important. Then I'm presented with the current of what I feel passionately about, what I'm concerned about, and what just doesn't affect me. Is this right? Is this really the best thing to be happening?
I don't know.
I think the indifference
is the worst.
Knowing x, y, and z
used to bother me.
And now?
I just don't have the energy.
I wonder
if that's a failure of myself...
But I don't seem to care.
is the worst.
Knowing x, y, and z
used to bother me.
And now?
I just don't have the energy.
I wonder
if that's a failure of myself...
But I don't seem to care.
It started a while ago: this building desire to take my own place in the spotlight. Certainly I've been using the open mics in both NYC and Philly to work on my presence, my timing, my panache. Then Rochester was a sort of testing ground.
But Bearapalooza NYC was definitely the turning point for me.
I didn't really feel good about my performance at the time. (Though it doesn't come across as badly as I thought it did.) But I did feel solid about being onstage and performing. I wasn't in the ideal head but I didn't lose it either. In fact I think I did a damned lot better on my original rather than the cover.
I really want to get out and get my career[1] going. It's long past time I shove myself up to the plate and start swinging the damned bat.[2] Further more I'm going to. Otherwise the rest of the career is just going to flounder.
I'll strike out a couple times, I know this.[3] But I'll live. I've got one gig mostly on the books. (Just waiting for final confirmations of things.) Then I gotta figure out the steps after that.
*sighs* Sadly there is a kinda irony. At the concurrent time I'm not really exactly sure where I'm going musically. Maybe even less than before. I want to do the pop, I want to do the (contemporary) classical, I want to do the electronic, I want to do the experimental...
Perhaps it's the same boat.
On the other hand I feel like some of my voice is beginning to develop and take on it's own-ness. Or maybe I'm just finally accepting it. Lord only knows I write a lot of slower, melancholy stuff. Sometimes I wonder how or _where_ to perform it. Not exactly the best bar music...
Still I want to get out there. I NEED to get out there. I want to explore the country, the world and make music. I want to leave my infinitesimal footprint on the bathroom stall of the universe.
I'm both excited and terrified about making my _own_ mistakes.
Finally.
- And by career I mean music in general - not just as a solo artist.
- Oh holy shit... did *I* just make a sports metaphor?!?!? FUCK!!!
- Holy shit, another one!!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Rainbow Mountain Resort and after
Overall a decent gig. It was rather rainy and had been kinda threatening most of the late afternoon/evening so attendance was a little ... sluggish but it wasn't dead either. And the feedback we got was very positive!
There are some things I think we need to clean up in our act. I think we need a little more structure. It's something of a (developing) pet peeve to be up there and have several moments where we look at each other with a kinda stupefied, "uh... what should we play next?" It's just unprofessional.
Especially when James ASKS me that over the microphone. X(
I think the Longfork gig went better personally. I was just more in my element then - being a musical slut for example - and relaxed enough to feel the moment. I felt the connection between James and I, I knew the material and felt confident...
This time, while I knew the material, the staging was a bit odd. James was on a higher platform but enshrouded in more darkness. I felt like the spotlight and thus the onus of attention was more on me - a situation I don't want.
Plus I think I hit the right social lubrication at Longfork. Having the rest of the gang - Freddy, Kendal, Jay, Charlie - certainly helped that a bit. But I'd also gotten time to go out and meet some of the people, to get to know the folk who were there to watch us.
I guess... I guess it felt more communal and less ... 'pretentious.' A "here we are, time to share my art with you" rather than "here I am to perform for you" kinda context.
This gig we only had a little schmoozing time before the performance and many people didn't put in much of an appearance until the show. Perhaps that's another effect of the environment - guys seemed to clique off really quickly and there wasn't quite as much of a "let's all get together and party!" kinda vibe.
But I'm not sure. Somehow it just felt... colder.
Plus I wasn't feeling the most socially gregarious. The social explosion I've felt over the past couple months seems to be hitting a sorta inverse reaction point. I just wanted more time to myself and my guitar - to avoid the implications, the ramifications, the complexities and just exist with art.
And I did get some decent time with my guitar. Got some new-ish ideas to follow and made a couple microscopic steps forward on older stuff. Nothing major, mind you, but definitely a step *THAT* *WAY* - something I need to push myself more into.
I need to step forward - whatever that direction may be.
There are some things I think we need to clean up in our act. I think we need a little more structure. It's something of a (developing) pet peeve to be up there and have several moments where we look at each other with a kinda stupefied, "uh... what should we play next?" It's just unprofessional.
Especially when James ASKS me that over the microphone. X(
I think the Longfork gig went better personally. I was just more in my element then - being a musical slut for example - and relaxed enough to feel the moment. I felt the connection between James and I, I knew the material and felt confident...
This time, while I knew the material, the staging was a bit odd. James was on a higher platform but enshrouded in more darkness. I felt like the spotlight and thus the onus of attention was more on me - a situation I don't want.
Plus I think I hit the right social lubrication at Longfork. Having the rest of the gang - Freddy, Kendal, Jay, Charlie - certainly helped that a bit. But I'd also gotten time to go out and meet some of the people, to get to know the folk who were there to watch us.
I guess... I guess it felt more communal and less ... 'pretentious.' A "here we are, time to share my art with you" rather than "here I am to perform for you" kinda context.
This gig we only had a little schmoozing time before the performance and many people didn't put in much of an appearance until the show. Perhaps that's another effect of the environment - guys seemed to clique off really quickly and there wasn't quite as much of a "let's all get together and party!" kinda vibe.
But I'm not sure. Somehow it just felt... colder.
Plus I wasn't feeling the most socially gregarious. The social explosion I've felt over the past couple months seems to be hitting a sorta inverse reaction point. I just wanted more time to myself and my guitar - to avoid the implications, the ramifications, the complexities and just exist with art.
And I did get some decent time with my guitar. Got some new-ish ideas to follow and made a couple microscopic steps forward on older stuff. Nothing major, mind you, but definitely a step *THAT* *WAY* - something I need to push myself more into.
I need to step forward - whatever that direction may be.
Friday, May 29, 2009
the Hunger... (part 1)
The freneticism is long over. I can finally sit for a few minutes and begin to unravel my thoughts in a more organized fashion. But first - the recap
The trip up to Rochester was remarkable only in it's length and lack of... remarkability. I took the 10pm chinatown bus up to NYC from Cherry Hill where I hopped on to Greyhound's 12:45am NYC->Toronto "express" line. I don't remember much of my thoughts beyond that point. I don't even know if I had many - surprising against my normal bouts of rumination and pre-show jitters.
All I recall is how uncomfortable it was and how futile my attempt at sleep was turning out to be.
Oh the bus was actually a fairly nice and new one - I'd say built in the last two or three years. I was rather impressed. It even had free wifi which unfortunately never seemed to have gotten turned on. But the seats... or maybe the previous 2 hours... and my lower back was a mess in no time.
Note to self: for future trips, take a pillow.
Pulled into Rochester around 7:30am or so and my old pal Chris Hennelly (AKA Felonius Monk) came with his roommate to pick me up at the station. They took me back to their place where Chris and I caught up from the 4 or so years of not having seen each other.
It's amazing what can happen, how time can pass so quickly and with so little notice. Still he was one of the two main reasons I asked Freddy for the gig. And seeing that wide, beaming grin and hearing that full-chested laugh was a treasure worth so much more than the discomfort I put myself through.
For lunch I met up with reason number two for the trip - seeing Steve. Steve and I met on my one prior visit to Rochester. It was a night I very VERY vividly remember. Trite as it may sound while the actual time we spent together may be just a blink in my 33 years it definitely made a much larger impression.
For both of us.
He greeted me in Chris' driveway with a huge goofy grin, a tight embrace and a _very_ deep kiss. Something out of a silly romantic movie, I'm sure. I was caught QUITE off guard - so much so that I'm sure I was actually blushing. We went and caught a quick bite on his lunch break and just kinda talked about everything - theater, music, IT, Philly, Rochester.
Then it was back to Chris' for a nap and some pre-show warm-up. Chris even pointed out my improvement. "I've never heard you sing for me before," he told me.
I had to think about it and realized he was so blindingly right. The few times he may have heard me sing were open mics where I was stumbling through it - rushing just to get it over and never really _enjoying_ it. And now here I was singing songs and *sharing* my art with him.
I've made some significant progress. At that moment I could tell by someone _else_'s reactions just how much I'd grown. I could look back at where I was then, where my headspace often was, and measure how far I've come - some of that in the past few months.
After that I felt much more relaxed and ready. I started the process of planning the set in my head - trying to identify the key songs I wanted to hit, the arc of my tunes... Just sorta get my game plan going. I still wasn't sure exactly how long I'd be on stage but I knew that answer would come soon.
Around 5-ish I got over to the coffee shop - Equal Grounds. An absolutely adorable spot it was a combination coffee shop, knick-knacks mom 'n pop store, and gay mecca.
Chris and I kibitzed some more and fraternized with some of the other locals. Freddy and Kendal were running late of course. At some point Steve arrived and Chris left and then finally Freddy and Kendal made their appearance. We did a bit of pre pre-show planning and then Steve and I ran off for some completely _non_ musical catching up.
Then it was back to Equal Grounds to get the show going. I got there late enough that the stage was set-up and yet early enough to relax and get in performing head-space. Of course it was about that time that Freddy informed me the shop doesn't have an ASCAP license therefore no covers allowed.
ACK.
No, it wasn't the death of my set, of course. But one of my "center" tunes - You Only Tell Me You Love Me When You're Drunk - was obviously out of the picture. I did some quick recalibrating and decided to see how things just flowed.
For a change, we actually started a show EARLY. It was about 7:30 and the cafe was bustling. Apparently it was their 3rd anniversary party. Kendal wanted to get it going since it was a weeknight. So I took to the stage and got the night rolling.
Of my actual performance I ... don't really recall everything. I have some distinct images stuck in my brain and I can kinda re-live things. But, as is usually the case, there's a strange detachment. It's like someone takes over my body and I'm just sort of along for the ride.
For one thing we had no monitors. I relied mostly on the small size of the room to hear how I was doing. It's a tad terrifying with a heavy dose of ... almost vertigo. So much going on in the brain - remember lyrics, try and speak slowly, smile, engage the audience, enjoy yourself, relax - all whilst sending every bit of energy out into this strange audio and emotional... not really a void so much as a null point, I guess.
In the end I think I did okay. The only mistake I really remember was launching into the wrong verse on "So Glad..." With a couple quick quips and a big smile I stopped and restarted the song. Maybe not the best thing to do. But I knew that, were I to try and go on, the train wreck would have been MUCH worse.
I didn't really feel _loved_ by the audience. But I didn't feel hated either. Indifference perhaps more than anything. But I knew that was being offset by the friends I *did* have in the room.
I guess that's the big thing to walk away with - that it didn't feel like a train wreck. Oh, I want to do better and I'm always frustrated when I do NOT live up to my expectations. But... at least I'm not living down to my fears.
And I haven't given up. I'm still pushing myself forward. Still working to better myself and see if I can reach that amazing thing I for some reason still think I am.
Afterwards Freddy paid me one of the best compliments. "You really owned the stage tonight, Tosh. I'm proud of you." Indeed, of all my musical associates, I think he's in the best position to critique me. He's seen me through Hanna's and Outmusic, Landshark and a number of other... adventures.
Oh I wish I'd blown him away. Hell, I wish I'd blown everyone away. But... well I didn't scare them away. And that's something.
The night ended as the handful of us - Kendal, Freddy, Steve, Jeff and I - all converged on a diner for some late-night, post euphoric stomach appeasing. The stress was gone, the appetite returned, and the plates full.
All too soon Steve dropped me off back at the bus station. And, with a some more regretful departing, I found myself once again Philadelphia bound.
The trip up to Rochester was remarkable only in it's length and lack of... remarkability. I took the 10pm chinatown bus up to NYC from Cherry Hill where I hopped on to Greyhound's 12:45am NYC->Toronto "express" line. I don't remember much of my thoughts beyond that point. I don't even know if I had many - surprising against my normal bouts of rumination and pre-show jitters.
All I recall is how uncomfortable it was and how futile my attempt at sleep was turning out to be.
Oh the bus was actually a fairly nice and new one - I'd say built in the last two or three years. I was rather impressed. It even had free wifi which unfortunately never seemed to have gotten turned on. But the seats... or maybe the previous 2 hours... and my lower back was a mess in no time.
Note to self: for future trips, take a pillow.
Pulled into Rochester around 7:30am or so and my old pal Chris Hennelly (AKA Felonius Monk) came with his roommate to pick me up at the station. They took me back to their place where Chris and I caught up from the 4 or so years of not having seen each other.
It's amazing what can happen, how time can pass so quickly and with so little notice. Still he was one of the two main reasons I asked Freddy for the gig. And seeing that wide, beaming grin and hearing that full-chested laugh was a treasure worth so much more than the discomfort I put myself through.
For lunch I met up with reason number two for the trip - seeing Steve. Steve and I met on my one prior visit to Rochester. It was a night I very VERY vividly remember. Trite as it may sound while the actual time we spent together may be just a blink in my 33 years it definitely made a much larger impression.
For both of us.
He greeted me in Chris' driveway with a huge goofy grin, a tight embrace and a _very_ deep kiss. Something out of a silly romantic movie, I'm sure. I was caught QUITE off guard - so much so that I'm sure I was actually blushing. We went and caught a quick bite on his lunch break and just kinda talked about everything - theater, music, IT, Philly, Rochester.
Then it was back to Chris' for a nap and some pre-show warm-up. Chris even pointed out my improvement. "I've never heard you sing for me before," he told me.
I had to think about it and realized he was so blindingly right. The few times he may have heard me sing were open mics where I was stumbling through it - rushing just to get it over and never really _enjoying_ it. And now here I was singing songs and *sharing* my art with him.
I've made some significant progress. At that moment I could tell by someone _else_'s reactions just how much I'd grown. I could look back at where I was then, where my headspace often was, and measure how far I've come - some of that in the past few months.
After that I felt much more relaxed and ready. I started the process of planning the set in my head - trying to identify the key songs I wanted to hit, the arc of my tunes... Just sorta get my game plan going. I still wasn't sure exactly how long I'd be on stage but I knew that answer would come soon.
Around 5-ish I got over to the coffee shop - Equal Grounds. An absolutely adorable spot it was a combination coffee shop, knick-knacks mom 'n pop store, and gay mecca.
Chris and I kibitzed some more and fraternized with some of the other locals. Freddy and Kendal were running late of course. At some point Steve arrived and Chris left and then finally Freddy and Kendal made their appearance. We did a bit of pre pre-show planning and then Steve and I ran off for some completely _non_ musical catching up.
*wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge*
Then it was back to Equal Grounds to get the show going. I got there late enough that the stage was set-up and yet early enough to relax and get in performing head-space. Of course it was about that time that Freddy informed me the shop doesn't have an ASCAP license therefore no covers allowed.
ACK.
No, it wasn't the death of my set, of course. But one of my "center" tunes - You Only Tell Me You Love Me When You're Drunk - was obviously out of the picture. I did some quick recalibrating and decided to see how things just flowed.
For a change, we actually started a show EARLY. It was about 7:30 and the cafe was bustling. Apparently it was their 3rd anniversary party. Kendal wanted to get it going since it was a weeknight. So I took to the stage and got the night rolling.
Of my actual performance I ... don't really recall everything. I have some distinct images stuck in my brain and I can kinda re-live things. But, as is usually the case, there's a strange detachment. It's like someone takes over my body and I'm just sort of along for the ride.
For one thing we had no monitors. I relied mostly on the small size of the room to hear how I was doing. It's a tad terrifying with a heavy dose of ... almost vertigo. So much going on in the brain - remember lyrics, try and speak slowly, smile, engage the audience, enjoy yourself, relax - all whilst sending every bit of energy out into this strange audio and emotional... not really a void so much as a null point, I guess.
In the end I think I did okay. The only mistake I really remember was launching into the wrong verse on "So Glad..." With a couple quick quips and a big smile I stopped and restarted the song. Maybe not the best thing to do. But I knew that, were I to try and go on, the train wreck would have been MUCH worse.
I didn't really feel _loved_ by the audience. But I didn't feel hated either. Indifference perhaps more than anything. But I knew that was being offset by the friends I *did* have in the room.
I guess that's the big thing to walk away with - that it didn't feel like a train wreck. Oh, I want to do better and I'm always frustrated when I do NOT live up to my expectations. But... at least I'm not living down to my fears.
And I haven't given up. I'm still pushing myself forward. Still working to better myself and see if I can reach that amazing thing I for some reason still think I am.
Afterwards Freddy paid me one of the best compliments. "You really owned the stage tonight, Tosh. I'm proud of you." Indeed, of all my musical associates, I think he's in the best position to critique me. He's seen me through Hanna's and Outmusic, Landshark and a number of other... adventures.
Oh I wish I'd blown him away. Hell, I wish I'd blown everyone away. But... well I didn't scare them away. And that's something.
The night ended as the handful of us - Kendal, Freddy, Steve, Jeff and I - all converged on a diner for some late-night, post euphoric stomach appeasing. The stress was gone, the appetite returned, and the plates full.
All too soon Steve dropped me off back at the bus station. And, with a some more regretful departing, I found myself once again Philadelphia bound.
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