And now back to our regularly scheduled program... kinda.

Something is changing - something inside my head and soul. It's intriguing to sit here and watch it either incapable of stopping it or just indifferent to stopping it. Certainly I think I've fueled it.

I'm beginning to evolve.

It's a strange sensation, really. There's an odd disconnect that I can't begin to describe. Chrysalis, perhaps. My world is becoming more about me; centered around myself. The North on my compass: what *I* want, what *I* need, what *I* should do for _my_ musical career...

It's uncomfortable at times. As my world adjusts to it's new... polarity I look at whom I've been and what I've generally held to be important. Then I'm presented with the current of what I feel passionately about, what I'm concerned about, and what just doesn't affect me. Is this right? Is this really the best thing to be happening?

I don't know.

I think the indifference
is the worst.
Knowing x, y, and z
used to bother me.

And now?
I just don't have the energy.
I wonder
if that's a failure of myself...
But I don't seem to care.

It started a while ago: this building desire to take my own place in the spotlight. Certainly I've been using the open mics in both NYC and Philly to work on my presence, my timing, my panache. Then Rochester was a sort of testing ground.

But Bearapalooza NYC was definitely the turning point for me.

I didn't really feel good about my performance at the time. (Though it doesn't come across as badly as I thought it did.) But I did feel solid about being onstage and performing. I wasn't in the ideal head but I didn't lose it either. In fact I think I did a damned lot better on my original rather than the cover.

I really want to get out and get my career[1] going. It's long past time I shove myself up to the plate and start swinging the damned bat.[2] Further more I'm going to. Otherwise the rest of the career is just going to flounder.

I'll strike out a couple times, I know this.[3] But I'll live. I've got one gig mostly on the books. (Just waiting for final confirmations of things.) Then I gotta figure out the steps after that.

*sighs* Sadly there is a kinda irony. At the concurrent time I'm not really exactly sure where I'm going musically. Maybe even less than before. I want to do the pop, I want to do the (contemporary) classical, I want to do the electronic, I want to do the experimental...

Perhaps it's the same boat.

On the other hand I feel like some of my voice is beginning to develop and take on it's own-ness. Or maybe I'm just finally accepting it. Lord only knows I write a lot of slower, melancholy stuff. Sometimes I wonder how or _where_ to perform it. Not exactly the best bar music...

 

Still I want to get out there. I NEED to get out there. I want to explore the country, the world and make music. I want to leave my infinitesimal footprint on the bathroom stall of the universe.

I'm both excited and terrified about making my _own_ mistakes.

Finally.

---

1. And by career I mean music in general - not just as a solo artist.
   
2. Oh holy shit... did *I* just make a sports metaphor?!?!? FUCK!!!
   
3. Holy shit, another one!!