Back at it...

More later. My process has changed drastically over the years - for both good and bad. But, like I said, more later.



For now it's interesting to note that I'm still on my PC. So far it's been acting... decently. Few of the problems that plagued me before - especially right before I revived my Mac.

Still... I'm... gun shy. I do NOT trust this beast. I keep expecting horrible things to happen. I... yeah, I'm not comfortable.

Hopefully soon...

Modus Operandi

I'm a visual person. I know this. Were I to start life over and be forced to follow some path other than music, I'm pretty sure I'd choose photography. Imagery resonates in 85% of my lyrics. Metaphors, similes, personifications - that's the poetry of which most of my words flow.

"Tears of twilight fading into view
Each one a reason that I am here with you."
--Half Moon Bay, 1993

I say this because I'm at an interesting juncture in my life. I'm in a state of mind where my thoughts are less visual and *MUCH* more... I don't know. Not visceral - just not pictorial.

The politics of the world continue to aggravate me. The fact that people are dying in Iraq for example - the haunted faces of people I see in the news - just wounds me. That someone could be _legally_ killed because they're gay and HIV+ incites a rage that I don't know how to contain.

I need to unleash in the WORST way. The blood of my soul needs to be spilled upon the fabric of my melodies. But the words falter die on the page. Their sarcophagus litter my notebooks like a madman's scribbles - bursts from nowhere vomited upon a taupe page, leading nowhere.

I'm not a word-smith and I know this. "So Glad..." and a couple other tunes stand out in my memory as times when I managed to overcome this deficiency. It frustrates me in ways I can't begin to explain - a need to vent in a manner I am not capable.

IT. HURTS.

And yet a mere smile caught in a photograph can still melt my heart a bit. The fuzzy light and indescribable warmth I feel when a person is caught just so. The shyness, the simplicity, the vulnerability... I just fall apart and start brewing emotions inside my mind.

I've got quite a few songs started now - many started just recently. I wonder how many of them I will finish composing. Seems like there's always more tunes being written than *get* written.

But... still. Those things I need to say... Those things I need to ferment into songs... I hope they happen soon. I hope I find the manner by which to facilitate their birth.

And then hope they get received...

And now back to our regularly scheduled program... kinda.

Something is changing - something inside my head and soul. It's intriguing to sit here and watch it either incapable of stopping it or just indifferent to stopping it. Certainly I think I've fueled it.

I'm beginning to evolve.

It's a strange sensation, really. There's an odd disconnect that I can't begin to describe. Chrysalis, perhaps. My world is becoming more about me; centered around myself. The North on my compass: what *I* want, what *I* need, what *I* should do for _my_ musical career...

It's uncomfortable at times. As my world adjusts to it's new... polarity I look at whom I've been and what I've generally held to be important. Then I'm presented with the current of what I feel passionately about, what I'm concerned about, and what just doesn't affect me. Is this right? Is this really the best thing to be happening?

I don't know.

I think the indifference
is the worst.
Knowing x, y, and z
used to bother me.

And now?
I just don't have the energy.
I wonder
if that's a failure of myself...
But I don't seem to care.

It started a while ago: this building desire to take my own place in the spotlight. Certainly I've been using the open mics in both NYC and Philly to work on my presence, my timing, my panache. Then Rochester was a sort of testing ground.

But Bearapalooza NYC was definitely the turning point for me.

I didn't really feel good about my performance at the time. (Though it doesn't come across as badly as I thought it did.) But I did feel solid about being onstage and performing. I wasn't in the ideal head but I didn't lose it either. In fact I think I did a damned lot better on my original rather than the cover.

I really want to get out and get my career[1] going. It's long past time I shove myself up to the plate and start swinging the damned bat.[2] Further more I'm going to. Otherwise the rest of the career is just going to flounder.

I'll strike out a couple times, I know this.[3] But I'll live. I've got one gig mostly on the books. (Just waiting for final confirmations of things.) Then I gotta figure out the steps after that.

*sighs* Sadly there is a kinda irony. At the concurrent time I'm not really exactly sure where I'm going musically. Maybe even less than before. I want to do the pop, I want to do the (contemporary) classical, I want to do the electronic, I want to do the experimental...

Perhaps it's the same boat.

On the other hand I feel like some of my voice is beginning to develop and take on it's own-ness. Or maybe I'm just finally accepting it. Lord only knows I write a lot of slower, melancholy stuff. Sometimes I wonder how or _where_ to perform it. Not exactly the best bar music...

 

Still I want to get out there. I NEED to get out there. I want to explore the country, the world and make music. I want to leave my infinitesimal footprint on the bathroom stall of the universe.

I'm both excited and terrified about making my _own_ mistakes.

Finally.

---

1. And by career I mean music in general - not just as a solo artist.
   
2. Oh holy shit... did *I* just make a sports metaphor?!?!? FUCK!!!
   
3. Holy shit, another one!!