For the young ones today in a seemingly more progressive and queer-friendly field, perhaps it isn't a big deal. But for me - someone who grew up in this conservative and strange "normal" reality of the 80's and 90's in a backwater town of California... It was a second adolescence.
I wasn't completely in the closet in high school but neither was I exactly out. There were a couple guys - straight, of course - whom I'd developed strong feelings for but none of it was requited in the least. There were no other queer folk present or visible. The internet for the most part was still a few years away.
It was a bit of a lonely existence. But loneliness is a part of me.
Well here I was at a very liberal college[1] and dating was now more than possible[2]. All of a sudden feelings, urges, and complexities I hadn't ever had to deal with became very much a real roadblock to my personal life. Sex, intimacy, flirtation, pain, rejection... in a blink they all switched from something theoretical and abstract to a highly tangible and terrifying reality.
Most of my dating life at Oberlin can be summed up as: dismal. Only one song have I ever written pertaining to love during that time and that song wasn't till years later. But more on that later.
David was the first guy I *ever* dated. And... being me, it was both short and emotionally intense. For me.
He was kinda shy, awkward, and dorky - studying bio-chem if I recall properly. We were both outsiders of our own. Totally drew me in.
I think we dated for all of a week - around fall break. I certainly remember him coming back from it and calling it off. Just seven days or so. We never even had sex! (I don't remember if we even kissed...)
But of course in the intensity of my hot house-esque brain something went... further. I remember one "vision" or daydream I had - this image of us reuniting at some point in the future, he'd contracted HIV, and I was devastated.
The emotional response I had to that was pretty intense. The following break-up was also kind of intense. It was also my first, after all.
It wasn't a huge fight or some silly drama. No, that's not the way I tend to function. My feelings for him were fairly genuine. Instead of anything else, what would unfold to be my manner of coping, I turned inward. I withdrew a bit trying to figure out how to handle this new and rather unpleasant predicament with my emotions - how do I process and manage this new searing sadness?
Well by writing a song, of course!
I actually remember quite a bit from the time. I remember listening to The Magnetic Fields' "Charm of the Highway Strip" on repeat ad nauseum[3]. I remember the bitingly cold winter air turning to snow - another first. I remember a brief rebound-esque fling with another David...
But the song follows the hypothetical narrative of a purely mental sequence that never left my brain. It haunted me for some time. At some point I made the mistake of telling David about it. He assured me he wouldn't be catching HIV.
We tried to stay friends but not too long thereafter we lost touch. I don't remember much of him my sophomore year if at all. He graduated a year early and I two late. I suppose there would be some irony if we were to reunite and any of this were to transpire.
As a note, along with Diamond Rise and Half Moon Bay, this demo wasn't recorded for many years. It wasn't until eleven years later in 2006 or so - when I was in a VERY different point in my life - did this song ever get past my own ears.
- There are two particular points of amusement for me on this.
- I didn't choose Oberlin for the political landscape - I was quite unaware of it, in fact. I chose it for the ranking of the composition department
- Though I proudly thought of myself as liberal growing up, my arrival and exploration of politics brought me to a bewildering and embarrassing realization that I was still rather conservative.
- I didn't choose Oberlin for the political landscape - I was quite unaware of it, in fact. I chose it for the ranking of the composition department
- Though not necessarily probable! LOL
- It's still my go-to album for times of romantic crises and heartache.
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