I walk away from this year's challenge with mixed feelings. On the one hand I got *MUCH* further than I have in the past. Two years ago I *think* I started one or two songs - got maybe a couple days into it before my life (going to San Antonio to help Karl) just got too crazy to move forward. This time I got two-almost three weeks and 40 minutes of music in.
Definitely an improvement.
I blame a little bit of life on it, too. Had something of an emotional encounter putting a bunch of things behind me with a certain someone. While the end result was rather healing, it did suck up some time and emotional energy.
In addition I was facing a pretty decent learning curve. I've never really worked with Ableton Live much. I'm much more used to ProTools and Reason. I think I take that much away from this challenge at least - forcing me to work with a new program. It's definitely a mother/necessitie sort of thing.
But... yeah. I'm in a weird place. I like writing too much to really be just a full time performer. But, on the other hand, I'm not happy enough with my writing (and dedication) to feel terribly solid about moving forward yet. It's... a netherworld - neither far enough here nor far enough there to really make a commitment.
If I *can* make a commitment that is.
Oh, I'm actually pretty happy with some of the stuff I've worked on. In fact I'm sure I'll keep working on most of it. Still love the Emajor arpeggio idea and the B minor riff. "Too Close" is definitely from the break-up/emotional purging side of my life.
Perhaps strangely enough the one I'm most excited about continuing is the one I was least happy with - "Give You a Load/Second Chances". I think that's in part due to the fact that, of all the stuff I came up with, it's the most provocative. I've spent a lot of time working on kinda generic love-related songs. It's nice to feel like I'm pushing outside of that box and really starting to say something.
No, it won't garner me much acclaim - talking about barebacking amongst a minority of the population.
But, frankly, I don't care. While it was good to get some emotional clutter out of my system with things like "Jesus Year" (pre-RPM) and "How I Wish" (the one 'finished' track), I don't feel like they're really addressing things that I *want* to address. They're just... more of a sort.
"Oh, look, Becky. Another singer-songwriter talking about love and loss... OH! That fabulous new tea set by Whosey McWhatsherface!"
Versus:
"What's he... OMG. He's singing about the emotional complexities of using someone as a cum-dump! Holy christ my brain AND my innocence!"
Yeah. MUCH hotter. :)
And, speaking of the lyrical content, I've made some headway with the lyrics. As I said in one of my last posts, there's a strange middle road I'm trying to find - neither condemning nor really advocating this.
I remember a series of ads back when I was living in Boston - hivstopswithme.com aka "HIV Stops with me" (yeah, I misread it at first as "HIV tops with me". Slightly different...) I think these ads might have been cooler if they'd taken the vantage of people who were HIV- as well admitting that the responsibility is on ALL of our shoulders. Instead it made it sound kind of like it's only the burden of people who are HIV+.
Which is TOTAL bullshit.
If you're going to play in the sandbox, you've got to accept you might get some sand in yer ass.
I... I'm not perfect. I've made some less-than-wise decisions in my past. Fortunately I've been lucky in those cases. But to act like it's somehow someone ELSE's fault for me going, "Okay. You can fuck me in the ass without a condom. I won't ask and I'll just take your silence as admitting you're NOT HIV+. If you even know."
That's fucked up.
Blah. Anywho, I think there's just a lot of issues on the plate - self-hatred, ignorance, disillusionment, disregard, and... abandonment of responsibility?
Yeah. It's crazy and complex.
But I kinda enjoy just bringing it up. Again, if for nothing else, just to sing, "I would give you a load if I thought it would bring you some hope" over and over...
*heh*
Give You a Load/Second Chances (current lyrics)
Hey babe, is that the way you play?
You got your hand stuck in the cookie jar
Why try to hide or run or fight
when you know there ain't no getting far
I see the terror that you bleed
when you're talking 'bout the end of the line
Lord knows how I would start to cope
if your burden would turn out to be mine
So hey, I don't know what to say
but you know this ain't no box here of soap
'cuz... I would give you a load
if I thought it would bring you some hope
Hey love is that you playing tough
when you're acting like you know all the rules
I fear the smell is all to clear
that you're the only one who is fooled.
Christ sake we all will make mistakes
the roulette of who will pay and who won't
I see my own hypocrisy
when we're talking about the do's and the don'ts
'cuz... I would give you a load
if I thought it would bring you some hope
Ain't got no second chances
might as well just play it to the grave.
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